Wishing, Wondering, and Talking

Research shows that long term and stressful situations like combat produce a sense of alienation from those who did not share the experience. This has a profound effect on servicemembers and their ability to to make a happy and effective return to their families.  Research also shows that belief that one can talk meaningfully with and confide in a close friend or family member is an important factor in recovery from PTSD and other forms of combat-related stress.

Acknowledging this, programs have been created to help military couples both pre- and post-deployment. PAIRS, a 501 (c) (3) non-profit organization established in 1983, is one of those programs. According to its website, is mission is “to teach those attitudes, emotional understandings, and behaviors that nurture and sustain healthy relationships and to make this knowledge broadly available on behalf of a safer, saner, more loving world.”  They work toward this mission by “developing and delivering evidence-based, best practices in marriage, family and fatherhood education, conducting research, and training instructors worldwide.” From what I can ascertain, it appears that the program is secular and non-denominational, giving it appeal to servicemembers across the spectrum.

PAIRS Foundation's collaboration with the Charlie Norwood Medical Center was recognized in 2009 by the Veterans Administration as the "Best Practice in Marriage Enrichment."  Although some workshops are done in the conventional, on-site way, much of the PAIRS curriculum is conducted through online workshops. All of the activities are meant to be self-empowering, meaning that they can be brought into everyday life without need for mediation by a counselor.  

PAIRS is not just for military families, but they are an important part of its clientele. One of the nicest activities of PAIRS is the Daily Temperature Reading (DTR), which I noted by following this link is now available as a free iPhone app!  It will provide a good refresher course or plan of action for anyone, military or not, who is looking to strengthen the relationship with a significant other, whether between partners or parent and child.

The DTR consists of five areas for communication and reflection:

APPRECIATIONS: This means sincere and specific acknowledgment of the partner. Vague flattery is not the point. It’s about showing you notice the favor your partner fit into a busy day, or a loving text message you received, or remembering to buy your favorite flavor of ice cream. “No matter what stage or situation your relationship is in, we can always find something to genuinely appreciate in another person. Be generous in your acknowledgments and affirmations of those whose lives you witness. Your heartfelt words will help maintain goodwill, boost self-worth and self-esteem, and create an environment in which you can work together.”

NEW INFORMATION: Be intentional about keeping each other up-to-date on what’s happening in your life, whether it’s something significant or relatively minor. It’s special to be the person with whom one’s significant other shares his or her life, to know things no one else knows, and to hear things first. Though some people abuse this with constant communication, it’s more likely for couples to know very little about the other’s life when they are apart.

PUZZLES: Relationships can get into trouble over assumptions an rwactions that weren’t really warranted by the facts. Puzzles validates our desire to ask questions about things that might be confusing or bothersome. This one can be tough to initiate, I imagine.  It’s not about giving or getting a grilling, and needs to be “grounded in goodwill, respect, empathy, and openness to learning.” Puzzles can provide a framework for asking why a partner is getting home later than usual from work the last few weeks, or why he or she seems set on buying a new car. “I’m puzzled about...” will start the conversation, and the listener can respond with information, or perhaps just say that they’ll give your question some thought and answer later, or simply thank you for sharing and leave it at that. All it offers is the opportunity, and all answers may proved clarifying in different ways.

.

CONCERNS WITH RECOMMENDATIONS: “Rarely are differences themselves destructive to relationships; frequently, however, the ways couples, families and co-workers deal with differences is destructive.”  A safe and supportive environment for working through concerns is essential to a strong, trusting relationship. Sharing a Concern with a Recommendation, requires you to be specific about the behavior you’re concerned about without attacking, judging, or blaming; to share how you feel (not think) when the behavior happens; and to ask for exactly what you want instead. For example, “When you take over all the space on the coffee table with your books and magazines, I feel as if I am not equally important in this house.  I’d like it if you could find another place to put things you aren’t actually reading at the moment, so I can have room for my own things too.” Or, “when you didn’t bring home my new jacket from the dry cleaners, like you promised, I felt a little disrespected, because I was counting on having it for that important meeting tomorrow. In the future, I really need you either to do what you say you will do, or if there’s a problem, let me know in enough time to do it myself.” Concerns with Recommendations may not result in changes in behavior, but it can open discussion and lead to greater mutual consideration.

WISHES, HOPES, DREAMS:  “Creating a life in which our dreams have an opportunity to come true involves actively (and passionately) sharing them with others; enrolling those closest to us to support and encourage the fulfillment of our goals and ambitions; and waking up each day learning the lessons and taking the actions necessary to breathe life and potential into those dreams we most desire.” Regularly sharing your wishes, hopes and dreams with each other makes teams out of couples, and increases the chances those dreams can come true.