Managing at Home

In some respects being a military spouse with a deployed partner is no different from being a single parent.  When a child is ill or hospitalized, or when emergencies arise, you have to handle it yourself, call in favors from friends and family, and suffer the consequences of missing work or, in some cases, school.  In others, of course, it is.  There’s a relationship you are trying to keep intact and strong, and there is the fear of knowing that someone you love and are committed to is in harm’s way.

Likewise, as difficult as it is on your end, there’s a partner too far away to help, who wants nothing more than to be there with you. 

The stress on deployed military personnel and their family is uniquely difficult. Even though most spouses understand what they are getting into when they marry someone in the military, it can still be way more difficult that they imagined.

“This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life,” says Kate, 23, whose husband, Sean, is a staff sergeant in the Air Force.  “I got married at 19; I didn’t by any means think this would be easy. But I didn’t think my son would sit in the car and cry for his daddy and there was nothing I could do about it.”

An article, “The Life and Challenges of One Deployed Beaufort Military Family,” tells Kate and Sean’s story.  She’s the mother of two toddlers, and also a full-time college student. What makes it more difficult, she says, is the general public misunderstanding her family’s unique situation. “People tell me all the time, ‘Well you knew what you were getting into,’” Kate says. “The sheer lack of support from the general public makes me so mad.”

For example,when she missed class during her son’s recent illness, one of her professors questioned her ability to continue in the class. “I told him ‘Look, I’m a single parent right now, my GPA is a 3.94, and my husband’s in a war zone. My child will come first, but I will ace all your exams,” she says.

Kevin and Stacy are another Beaufort-based Marine couple, with a toddler daughter, Meghan. Kevin  recently returned from his third deployment. They kept in touch once or twice a week, depending on the weather over there. “If there’s a sandstorm it won’t happen for at least a week.”  They also text messages and call each other on the cell phones, incurring huge, but in their minds, worthwhile bills.

In addition, families use other objects to comfort children missing their parents. “We made a pillowcase for Collin that has pictures of him and his dad and it says ‘Sweet dreams, Daddy loves you,’ so Daddy goes to bed with him each night,” Kate says. Collin also has a doll from HugaHero.com with a photo of his father and an internal voice recorder where Sean recorded messages for his son. Before Kevin deployed in January, he videotaped himself reading books for Meghan, now 3, and her little brother, Connor, 1.

Missing milestones is also difficult. “Kevin missed Connor’s first birthday and Meghan’s first birthday, but he was able to do the webcam. So he saw the cake, balloons, all that stuff,” Stacy says. “It’s not quite the same, but it’s better than not having him at all.”