Remembering the Children

The Kaiserslautern Kindergraves Memorial Foundation will sign a new lease with the city of Kaiserslautern, Germany this spring to preserve the graves of 451 American military children buried there.

Most of those buried at the Kaiserslautern city cemetery are children of U.S. military stationed from 1952 to 1971, a time when U.S. service members did not have the means to transport the dead to the States for burial. Most of the children died in and around Kaiserslautern before they were 6 months old.

Unlike in America, grave sites in Germany are leased for a specific period of time, usually from 15 to 30 years. If a lease is not renewed, the grave’s contents are removed and the grave site reverts to state ownership.

A nonprofit, volunteer organization managed by the Ramstein Area Chief’s Group and the German-American and International Women’s Club, the foundation began seeking donations about a year ago to renew a 25-year lease at a cost of 6,800 euro — about $9,425, according to the group’s co-chairman, Terence DeLay.

“We couldn’t believe how fast the money was raised,” DeLay said. Surplus donations will purchase a new bronze statue for the grave site and resore gravestones.. 

“I think we have a responsibility to our service men and women, who came over here post-World War II,” DeLay said. “We can’t let the memories of the children go.”

Getting the Kids Through It

I found this article, When a Parent Goes to War,” on the Families United Military Kids Blog, and though it doesn’t offer either the name or the credentials of the author, I thought the advice sounded very good, as well as insightful for those of us who don’t deal with military deployment but want to understand its effects.

How kids handle separation and what they need from adults will vary, and when planning how to support them, there’s no substitute for knowing a child well.  Still, many things can be predicted will affect all children. 

Honesty is critical, but kids need the truth in terms they can understand. “For example, for young children, the concept of a long separation is a lot harder to grasp than the fact that mommy won’t be there to take them to school in the mornings or that daddy won’t be back until after Christmas,” the article says.  The problem is that the truth is painful and perhaps some people might really prefer that their children not understand how long a deployment is, because they’re struggling to hold themselves together and don’t want to deal with their children’s pain. 

 Children need to know that they will be taken care of, and by whom, during the time away. The article advises patience if children ask the same question again and again, because that is simply a sign they don’t understand yet, or need more reassurance. 

The article also suggests that children not be overburdened with talk about needing to be the man or woman of the house now. “Kids need to be kids, even in tough times.”  They should be reassured that doing the best they can is enough .

 In the days and weeks prior to departure, many military parents feel pressure to get through huge to-do lists. Though cleaning the garage and clearing the rain gutters may be important, so is spending a great deal of time with each child individually and as a family.

During a deployment, keeping a routine is helpful because most children benefit from life being predictable. The more small things that stay the same, especially fun family rituals, the better.  It’s good also when some new rituals are established that bring the deployed parent into the child’s life every day.

As always, listening well is critical. A parent needs to be alert to ways children may be misinformed or misunderstand things.  Simply listening, and letting children know they are understood and their feelings are accepted can be very comforting. 

Lastly, the parent at home needs to take care of him or herself.  The strength and health of parents really helps power whole families through tough times.  There are formal support programs but there are also many other ways to boost one’s sagging spirits, and even the busiest parent must make time for him or herself.

A House of Their Own

This is a really sweet story out of Belton, Texas.   University of Mary Hardin-Baylor students spent a week recently building playhouses for the children of eleven military families in an event that has become known as Cru Playhouses (the school’s team name is Crusaders).  Mike McCarthy, director of Campus Activities, said Cru Playhouses is “a way for us to teach  our students how to honor military service.” Most of the families receiving a playhouse have one parent currently deployed.

The playhouses were built Monday through Thursday, and Friday the children came to campus to help paint and decorate their playhouses. McCarthy says that when the children are involved in the decorating process  they begin to understand the playhouse is really theirs.

                    

Dawnella and Rob Carter have four young daughters ranging in age from four to nine. “We’ve been here for two years, but right after we moved here my husband was deployed,” Dawnella said. “The girls have big plans for their playhouse. They plan on landscaping around it, and they want to attract butterflies to it.They have a spot all picked out in the yard for it, so they’re really excited.”

“A lot of our students have no idea what a real military family is like,” McCarthy said. “Cru Playhouses gives us a chance to be in contact with military families and see who they really are and what type of person devotes their life to military service.” 

Finding Their Way

I ran across another book that seems to be a good resource for military children dealing with parents who have experienced trauma.  Though not specifically written for military situations, the book has been highly acclaimed by many people working in military programs and settings. The book is Finding My Way, Part One of Finding My Way: A Teen’s Guide to Living with a Parent Who Has Experienced Trauma, by Michelle and DeAnne Sherman. The book lucidly explains PTSD and other common responses to trauma, discusses other problems (including addictive behavior) that may occur as a result, and describes numerous treatment options. Part Two encourages teens to identify and accept their own strong emotions including anger, fear, confusion, sadness, and shame. This is a particularly valuable aspect of the book because it includes workbook style exercises that help the teen not only process feelings but develop loving and assertive means of bringing their issues to the attention of others, and learn coping skills for what won’t change any time soon. Here is a link to a few pages in this section. Part Three includes frequently asked questions, a glossary, and an extensive resource list. 

The web page for the book contains many testimonials from prestigious people, but here are a few specifically from family mental health advocates connected to the military.

"FINALLY! A book designed to empower teens to understand and cope with a traumatized parent. A vital tool for teens, parents and helping professionals. Speaks to teens in straightforward language and depersonalizes the reasons for their parents' behavior. Most importantly, it helps teens develop coping skills to deal with the aftermath of trauma." Laura Lochner, Ph.D., Psychologist. Former Chief of the Life Skills Support Center, Head of the Critical Incident Stress Management Team, and Head of the Mental Health Disaster Team at Tinker Air Force Base, Oklahoma.

"Has received rave reviews by our network and could not have come at a better time…provides information, coping skills and communication strategies to help (teens) normalize their (military) experience while offering them the hope they need to grow."Megan Turak, Executive Vice President, Military Family Network (2008).

"Within our professional development, two-day institute [Living in the New Normal], we purchase and use Finding My Way. It has proven to be very well received and is a great resource…such a clear and approachable method that is extremely useful on many levels."Mary Keller, Ed.D., Executive Director, Military Child Education Coalition (MCEC).

"An extremely practical and compelling guide which embodies extensive research and clinical wisdom. Most importantly, it’s written from the heart as a gift to families struggling with the aftermath of trauma." Lieutenant Commander Tim Reimann, United States Navy Reserve.

"Thousands of young people in Minnesota will need this book." Gail Mossman, Youth and Child Coordinator, Minnesota National Guard.

"Finally—a book that explains PTSD in simple language and guides teens in coping and healing. This useful, sensitive book provides a practical toolbox for the reader. I highly recommend this book for the whole family and for therapists/teachers who are looking for ways to help." Richard A. Carothers, Ph.D., Psychologist. Past Chair of the Veterans Affairs Section (Division 18) of the American Psychological Association.

Shut Your Mouth?

It’s hard enough to admit problems at home, especially ones that might be perceived as shameful or signs of weakness or failure. For military families, seeking counseling help is even harder than it is for the rest of us.

The military offers a number of counseling services, including those provided by Military OneSource, This program provides three kinds of short-term, non-medical counseling options to active-duty, Guard, and Reserve members and their families (here’s an eligibility chart).

Military OneSource counseling services are designed to provide short-term help with things such as stress management, decision making, communication, grief, blended-family issues, and parenting skills. This is a great service, however, there are some warnings, more or less the same ones that apply to other counseling situations. Information provided to Military OneSource counselors is confidential, except to meet legal obligations or to prevent harm to self or others, including family maltreatment (spouse, child, elder abuse), substance abuse, and illegal activities. 

As a civilian, I understand that there are some things I can’t say without triggering another person’s obligation to report what I have said. This is always going to be a deterrent to seeking help for problems with domestic violence in particular. However, I hadn’t really thought until now about how much more difficult it must be for military families to seek help, because reports are made to the appropriate military authorities as well. 

Whatever I might have told a doctor or other authority in civilian life did not include an obligation to report my statements or symptoms to my employer. In essence, military families are told that if they come in for help, they’d better be prepared for the boss to find out what’s going on.  How many members of military families decide against seeking help even for potentially life-threatening problems, for fear that just a mention of the situation may disrupt their whole lives?  

No one wants to be responsible for knowing something and not acting, if something terrible happens down the road that might have been prevented, Still, how many terrible things do we not find out about at all, because such rules force people to tell no one? 

Dad on a Stick

Stephanie Himel-Nelson is the Communications Director for Blue Star Families, a nonpartisan, nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting, connecting and empowering military families. In her own words, a “recovering attorney, military brat and Navy spouse,” she writes about her military-centered life in a great blog post, Welcome to the New Normal: Military Life in 2010

I highly recommend following the link and reading her lively and thoughtful article for yourself. For me, the best part of the article was not the statistics about the effects of frequent, long, and dangerous deployments on children, but the way she made those real by giving examples of her friends and their children. Most of the military children she knows have spent half or more of their lives with at least one parent deployed or in a war zone, creating a “normal” that has the deployed parent in (and out) of that life in confusing, and debilitating ways.

“My friend Laura has struggled to get mental health services for her small child. Her 5-year-old was paralyzed with anxiety while her husband was stationed in Afghanistan. My friend Casey's son thinks that daddy just visits, he doesn't actually live with them. My friend Vivian made a Dad on a Stick to keep her children connected to their deployed father. My friend Melissa's daughter has struggled to deal with her anger at her father and both of them are dealing with secondary PTSD.”

In a recent Blue Star Families survey, 92% of military family respondents reported that they felt the general public doesn't understand or appreciate the difficulties and sacrifices involved in being a military family. Himel-Nelson concurs, telling us that she’s been asked on more than one occasion how her husband could join the military knowing that he might end up killing people in an unjustified war. She’s been asked to justify the “free” health care and benefits military families receive, and has been scolded that single parents raise kids alone all the time, and you don’t hear them whining about it.

“Service is very much a part of the military family culture,” Himel-Nelson explains. People don’t join the military, at least the vast majority don’t, because they want to kill people. “Service members and their families feel called to serve their country, to be part of something bigger than themselves.” Military family members also volunteer at much higher rates than civilians do. The 2010 Blue Star Families Military Lifestyle Survey reports that 68% of respondents had volunteered in the last year, compared to a volunteer rate of just under 27% for the general public (as reported in a survey by the Corporation for National and Community Service).

These questions and comments Himel-Nelson has received illustrate the appalling disconnect between civilians and military families in the era of the isolated and poorly understood all-volunteer armed services, “Our health care is not free,” Himel-Nelson says, “although it is greatly discounted, but we are covered because our spouses cannot be insured in the civilian world. You see, they're much too likely to be shot at or injured by an IED.”

It is also difficult to have the offsetting experience of a career, which can contribute so positively to mental health and self-esteem. A little over a third of military spouses are employed outside the home. Of the other two-thirds, half would like to be (Blue Star Families 2010 Military Family Lifestyle Survey) but find the timing of deployments and moves and childcare difficulties work against this.

“Our lives aren't better or worse than anyone else's,” Himel-Nelson says. “They're just different. Yes, we face challenges. Those challenges must be acknowledged so that military families can get the help that they need. But I've never regretted the way I was raised and I hope that our current crop of military children will have no regrets as well.”

That hope is entirely within the grasp of the American people to deliver upon. We can’t change the facts of life in the military. It does involve a great deal of upheaval, with absences, moves, and the stress of war. Still, if we can do all we can to help military spouses stay strong, resilient, and healthy in body and spirit, we will have created an armed forces that future generations of military children will consider worthy of their own commitment, as well as one that offers an attractive lifestyle to civilians, so that the burden of serving our country is not so narrowly distributed in years to come.

Books on Bases, Smiles on Faces

One of the great joys in my own life has always been reading, and to me the little library in the small town I grew up in was a magical place. Another joy in my life was reading bedtime stories to my children, and a third, of course is being an author myself. I love books, and people who read them, so hearing about book sharing and donation programs gets my day off to a very good start indeed.

I've talked here about my favorite charity, United Through Reading, but here is another great campaign.Loree Tillman, the Director of Programs for Blue Star Families and the 2010 Navy Spouse of the Year selected by “Military Spouse” magazine, has undertaken a national tour in the “Books on Bases, Smiles on Faces” program jointly sponsored by Blue Star Families and Kids in Distressed Situations, Inc.. Vanessa Lynch, U.S. Army Garrison-Hawaii Public Affairs reports in her article, "Books on Bases, Smiles on Faces" that Tillman is going to military-impacted schools and libraries around the country to deliver new children’s books and call attention to the importance of good literacy programs for military children.

Tillman was in Hawaii in August, distributing books to children at the Sgt. Yano Library, at Tripler Army Medical Center, Marine Corps Base Hawaii, and the Navy Exchange. About 2,000 books were distributed on the island."I didn’t want the West Coast to forget that we have Soldiers and families stationed here in Hawaii, and that they need our support as well," Tillman said. Blue Star Families plans to distribute 25,000 books in 2010; 30,000 in 2011; and 35,000 in 2012 to reach a goal of providing 100,000 books to military children through the program.

"I like to sit down and read to my kids," said Tiffanie Ward, a military spouse who, with her 4-year-old daughter, Lanah, is a library patron. "At night, I like to read my children bedtime stories to put them to sleep."

"Having free books and being able to promote literacy is terrific," said Bonnie Dong, supervisory librarian at Sgt. Yano Library, and as is usually the case, a library with good children’s books brings parents in as well. "For us, it’s good to have an event like this to get people in the door that otherwise wouldn’t come in," said Amy Nogami, chief of the Yano library activities branch. "This way they get to see what else we have to offer here."