I don’t know about you, but for me, Thanksgiving is the day after Halloween, Christmas is the day after Thanksgiving, and New Year’s Eve is the day after Christmas. Time moves so fast this time of year, and though I am no longer a mom trying to live up to everyone’s expectations and fantasies, it still feels like a whirlwind every year.
Halloween seems like a good point to talk about the upcoming holidays. “Supporting Young Children During the Holidays,” an article I found on the Zero to Three website has advice targeted towards parents and caregivers for children with deployed parents, although much of the advice is good for anyone.
For families with a deployed servicemember, the holidays may be especially challenging, making everyone more keenly aware that the mother or father is not home to share in the celebration. Though we often think of babies and toddlers as being too young to understand, they take their cues from the people around them and can become upset for reasons they can’t articulate.
The article uses the acronym SEASON for its advice.
S is for structure and routine
For young children, knowing what to expect is critical. Although change and disruption is inevitable during the holidays, parents should do their best to keep up with familiar routines.
For young children, knowing what to expect is critical. Although change and disruption is inevitable during the holidays, parents should do their best to keep up with familiar routines.
E is for expectations
The holiday season can bring with it some high, often unreasonable expectations, especially when the word “joy” seems to be everywhere. Having a servicemember deployed is not joyous. Spouses and older children may be sad, lonely, anxious, guilty about having fun or about not being able to make up for the absence, or resentful at having to do everything alone. Those who have relocated recently may not yet have made friends they care about and feel comfortable with at social gatherings. The article warns that such things can’t be rushed, and a feeling of dislocation may just have to be endured. “It is important that military parents create this social support network at their own pace and not place additional pressure on themselves. A new year’s resolution to engage in more social activities, for example, can be fulfilled throughout the year and make next year’s holidays that much more enjoyable.” The article concludes that “There is no right way to feel. Parents and caregivers should take great pride in knowing that they are doing the best that they can under very challenging circumstances.
The holiday season can bring with it some high, often unreasonable expectations, especially when the word “joy” seems to be everywhere. Having a servicemember deployed is not joyous. Spouses and older children may be sad, lonely, anxious, guilty about having fun or about not being able to make up for the absence, or resentful at having to do everything alone. Those who have relocated recently may not yet have made friends they care about and feel comfortable with at social gatherings. The article warns that such things can’t be rushed, and a feeling of dislocation may just have to be endured. “It is important that military parents create this social support network at their own pace and not place additional pressure on themselves. A new year’s resolution to engage in more social activities, for example, can be fulfilled throughout the year and make next year’s holidays that much more enjoyable.” The article concludes that “There is no right way to feel. Parents and caregivers should take great pride in knowing that they are doing the best that they can under very challenging circumstances.
A is for awareness Parents and caregivers who understand the connection between stress and behavior will be able to pick up on signs that their little ones are having a hard time. Increased irritability, sleep changes, clinginess, and other such behaviors are clues that something is bothering the child.
S is for Self-Care
It’s hard sometimes to remember one’s own needs during the holiday season, when the focus is on children and creating a good holiday experience for others. “Self-care activities may include: taking naps whenever possible; seeing supportive friends or family; gardening; reading; playing basketball; journaling; taking walks; or going to a baseball game with buddies. Parents and caregivers who support themselves are, ultimately, supporting their families by increasing their capacity to provide loving, nurturing environments for themselves and for their children.” It is also important to seek professional help if the holidays are too difficult to handle emotionally.
It’s hard sometimes to remember one’s own needs during the holiday season, when the focus is on children and creating a good holiday experience for others. “Self-care activities may include: taking naps whenever possible; seeing supportive friends or family; gardening; reading; playing basketball; journaling; taking walks; or going to a baseball game with buddies. Parents and caregivers who support themselves are, ultimately, supporting their families by increasing their capacity to provide loving, nurturing environments for themselves and for their children.” It is also important to seek professional help if the holidays are too difficult to handle emotionally.
O is for opportunity
The holiday season can provide special opportunities to create some additional rituals or routines that keep the military parent “present’ or involved during the holidays. Some ideas in the article include having the active duty parent send a number of letters in advance to the child, to be opened and read on each of the 12 days of Christmas or during each day of Hanukkah or Kwanzaa. At-home parents can record their children singing holiday songs and send it to the deployed parent. The family can create a holiday ornament that says “mommy” or “daddy” in honor of the military parent and hang it on the tree, or perhaps hang a stocking and fill it with homemade gifts to send after Christmas, or just before. I love the suggestion that children create a paper Chanukah menorah or Kwanzaa kinara and cut out the appropriate number of paper flames. These can then be sent to the active duty parent, who will glue a flame on each day that a candle is to be lit and take a picture of him or herself with the “lit” menorah or kinara to send back to the child. It seems to me it should be easy to adapt this for other children--perhaps paper ornaments on a tree, or a manger scene, or Santa and his reindeer.
N is for 'nesting'
It’s a good idea to see the home as a retreat, not the center of the whirlwind. “A young child can look forward to watching the holiday candles being lit, taking a bath, having a holiday book read, listening to quiet holiday music, kissing a picture of the absent parent, and then drifting off to bed. Parents, too, can see this “nesting” time as an opportunity to break free from daily stress, enjoy special moments with their young children, and refuel for the next day.”
It’s a good idea to see the home as a retreat, not the center of the whirlwind. “A young child can look forward to watching the holiday candles being lit, taking a bath, having a holiday book read, listening to quiet holiday music, kissing a picture of the absent parent, and then drifting off to bed. Parents, too, can see this “nesting” time as an opportunity to break free from daily stress, enjoy special moments with their young children, and refuel for the next day.”
Whew! I am tired just thinking about the holidays! For those of us in the 98 percent unaffected by deployment, let’s try to do something for the other 2 percent before the end of this year, which is, by my calculation, 4 days from now!
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