Getting the Kids Through It

I found this article, When a Parent Goes to War,” on the Families United Military Kids Blog, and though it doesn’t offer either the name or the credentials of the author, I thought the advice sounded very good, as well as insightful for those of us who don’t deal with military deployment but want to understand its effects.

How kids handle separation and what they need from adults will vary, and when planning how to support them, there’s no substitute for knowing a child well.  Still, many things can be predicted will affect all children. 

Honesty is critical, but kids need the truth in terms they can understand. “For example, for young children, the concept of a long separation is a lot harder to grasp than the fact that mommy won’t be there to take them to school in the mornings or that daddy won’t be back until after Christmas,” the article says.  The problem is that the truth is painful and perhaps some people might really prefer that their children not understand how long a deployment is, because they’re struggling to hold themselves together and don’t want to deal with their children’s pain. 

 Children need to know that they will be taken care of, and by whom, during the time away. The article advises patience if children ask the same question again and again, because that is simply a sign they don’t understand yet, or need more reassurance. 

The article also suggests that children not be overburdened with talk about needing to be the man or woman of the house now. “Kids need to be kids, even in tough times.”  They should be reassured that doing the best they can is enough .

 In the days and weeks prior to departure, many military parents feel pressure to get through huge to-do lists. Though cleaning the garage and clearing the rain gutters may be important, so is spending a great deal of time with each child individually and as a family.

During a deployment, keeping a routine is helpful because most children benefit from life being predictable. The more small things that stay the same, especially fun family rituals, the better.  It’s good also when some new rituals are established that bring the deployed parent into the child’s life every day.

As always, listening well is critical. A parent needs to be alert to ways children may be misinformed or misunderstand things.  Simply listening, and letting children know they are understood and their feelings are accepted can be very comforting. 

Lastly, the parent at home needs to take care of him or herself.  The strength and health of parents really helps power whole families through tough times.  There are formal support programs but there are also many other ways to boost one’s sagging spirits, and even the busiest parent must make time for him or herself.