On Bullies

As I reported yesterday, national studies show that 32 percent of students ages 12 to 18 have experienced being bullied in school. Almost a full third if children say they have been made fun of, became the subject of rumors or were physically assailed by being pushed shoved, tripped or spit on. However, only a minority, about a third, told an adult. Are military children at increased risk, because they are so frequently the new kids in school?  The Department of Defense clearly thinks so, because they have partnered with other federal agencies in a task force to address the issue. 

Bullying has always been a part of childhood, but an epidemic of incivility and intolerance seems to have taken hold in many schools. “For those of us who work with kids in schools, we don’t want children to be humiliated and embarrassed and have to ‘put up with it. It’s against the law, and it’s not OK,” says Patricia Cassiday, director of pupil personnel services for the Department of Defense Education Activity. DoDEA oversees schools for military children here and overseas.

Three groups of people are part of the dynamic of bullying--the bullies, the victims, and the bystanders.  Approaches that focus on getting bullies to change or victims to report the abuse are less likely to be successful, Cassiday feels, unless the third group feels empowered. “We stress the importance of students supporting each other and saying, ‘Not in our school,’” Cassiday says in Elaine Wilson’s recent article for the American Forces Press Service, “DOD Takes Steps to Stop Bullying” (see link in yesterday’s post).

 DoDEA’s school officials encourage the victim to speak up, but in a way that won’t make the situation worse. Children do need to be assertive, to affirm what they want (which is in this case, of course, is for the bully to leave them alone), but I can’t think of too many times in my own life when that would have helped.

The psychology of bullying must be very powerful.  Presumably the bully is overtaken by some kind of rush he or she can’t control. Advising children to tell their tormenter that they will report the behavior if he or she doesn’t stop is a bit scary.  When the authority figure is not physically present, their power is unlikely to cause a bully to step back and reconsider, and may cause more immediate punishment “Tattletale!” I can picture the taunts. 

 These kinds of advice seem a bit too easy and pat for me, a bit like Nancy Reagan’s famous dictum for addressing drug use among young people.  “Just say no” doesn’t go far when a powerful web of human behaviors and frailties are on full display.

If the bullying is reported, children are encouraged by the DoDEA to sit down with the bully and a counselor to discuss the situation, or the counselor can meet with the bully alone if the victim doesn’t wish to attend. The important thing is for the bully to understand that sweet talk and shallow promises don’t cut it.  Another infraction and the consequences will be severe. The bully also has to be treated sensitively, not as a bad person no one can understand, but as someone who has choices and has been making bad ones.

Physical violence is another matter, Cassiday says. In those cases, immediate disciplinary action must be taken. That includes the victim too. if he or she decides to honor the age-old parental dictum to fight back.  “It’s tough for schools to know who is to blame if both are involved,” Cassiday explains.

Cassiday also advises that parents can take the situation in hand themselves by going to the bully’s parents, but this has to be done in a non-confrontational way. Parents should assume (or pretend to at least) that the bully’s parent (or parents) is not aware of the problem, will be embarrassed and alarmed by it, and will speak to the child about changing his or her ways. 

The Defense Department is working with children and youth services managers to highlight cyberbullying as well. The Defense Department’s Military OneSource site at http://www.militaryonesource.com offers free online resources and printed materials to help parents and children deal with bullying of any kind. The Defense Department will continue its efforts to shed light on the pervasive problem, not just for military children, but for all children.  

Bullying is sad all around.  The child who does it is wounded too.  If repeated deployments or anything else about military life contribute to the making of bullies, that needs to be addressed, because what happens to both the bullied and the bully may shape the rest of their lives.